We really took for granted our rather smooth pregnancy when we had Ernie. The same month my period resumed we were ready to try again for #2! Alas, things were not so easy this time around. My period was irregular and it was very difficult to predict when was the right time of the month. Some months the cycle was some 40 days long and other months it was just 30 days. Suddenly having 12 months in a year meant only 10-12 opportunities and month after month we were disappointed with negative test results.
Then in April 2016, we had success!! We were over the moon. Yet at the back of my mind I had this nagging feeling that I shouldn’t be celebrating too soon. After all, one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage within the first trimester a statistic that is quite hard to swallow. Then for real, the nightmare began. At our first antenatal scan, there was no heartbeat. I was quite certain I was 6 weeks along but I guess there was a chance I was wrong and it was perhaps too early. Dr Ho said to come back in 2 weeks. Boy were those two weeks nerve wrecking… At the next scan I was certain this couldn’t happen to us. But I guess it was just not meant to be… the embryo still had no heartbeat. It was diagnosed as a blighted ovum and Dr Ho scheduled me for a D&C two weeks later.
At the scan just prior to the D&C I won’t deny that there was a part of me that was still hopeful that we would see a little blinking heart that I had taken for granted so often when we were having Ernie, but as you can guess, it was not to be. We went ahead with the procedure and I cried my heart out before and after. Though little fetus was barely more than a bundle of cells, I felt like it was my child. In the days to come I felt like I had to grieve silently. Friends and relatives who knew about it seemed to have their own experiences with miscarriages yet while it was well intentioned, it somehow made me feel like I wasn’t supposed to feel as miserable as I did. So I grieved quietly and alone.
If anyone reading this is going through what I have, please go ahead and grieve. You have every right to do so.
Rest in peace little Blinky, mummy loves you.
In memory of Blinky Ho, gone to be with her Father on 10 June 2016.